WHAT I TRULY FEEL....

I have always been the kind of person who acknowledges one's feelings. I always take time to evaluate my emotions because it makes me feel comfortable and more human. I don't consider myself "emotional", I am just being honest.

I am writing this entry with the goal to express & release the pain of frustration that has been building up inside my soul. I know that there are many FA aspirants out there who has more worst experience than I do. Perhaps, I am still a novice as compared to others but still allow me to dwell on this.

I have never been this frustrated in my whole life after consecutive failures/downfall within a year of the two opportunities that i've been wanting to have. I have already tried to move on after my unsuccessful attempt to spend my master's degree in Boston for Clinical Mental Health & Counseling Psychology. If only everything just went well, I am now in Boston burning my midnight candles. However, inevitable things happen--- the university can only offer me partial scholarship since I am not a U.S. citizen and that a recommended funding institution (bank) will be the one sponsoring my educational expenses. It would still have been ok if not for the global economic crisis that the bank refused/declined to grant the sponsorship. It hurt me so much because I gave my best to be accepted for that degree program, I passed every required tests (TOEFL, GRE),every required evaluation, every required interview, I invested time, money and effort. Everything has gone out of control. Thus, I started moving on especially that 2010 is coming. A new year, a new hope. When I loss my job last october 2009 due to company retrenchment, I was not disturbed at all as compared to my co-workers because I am planning to resign anyway. After being out of work & unsuccessful with my study- abroad plans, I ponder as to what I really want to do and to where do I see myself going. The plan of pursuing my once desired flight attendant job came back to life. I onced applied for Emirates in Manila year 2005, a fresh grad from university. Their process then was different when I was advised to joined in their Quezon City office as compared today . I forgot such dream as years go by, i loss my focus. Maybe if I have been as persistent as the others, I could have landed the job already. I just resumed my cabin crew applications on Oct. 18, 2009 when I applied for Qatar Aiways at Marriot Hotel. Then it was followed by another unsuccessful applications by November in Manila for QR & EK. January came and still no positive results in another QR Cebu OD. I was tempted to fly to Manila by February for Asiana & QR again but didn't push through with the plan. Instead I attended the EK screening in Cebu last 4th of March. I was really hoping to get an invitation this time and for my prayer to be answered. I was thinking that this is what already God planned for me in exchange of all the heartaches that I felt for my failed study plans. I was so confident of the idea and I can feel it in my veins when I saw signs favoring in me. I really thought they were the right signs. I was totally wrong. I just misunderstood them. So, another painful blow on my part. I just didn't think too much on the financial sacrifices that I made because it will only worsen the situation.

These are the two opportunities that have mattered to me so dearly. I have never wanted something or anything for myself this intense. They are the two that I could have wanted to fulfill, either one or the other. I just do not know what lesson/s I should learn from this. Is it telling me that this is not meant for me or maybe it is not yet the right time? I just do not know and understand. I feel that fate have punished me because things are not going as what I am expecting and hoping. How come I am punished? for what? I haven't done anything wrong. Is it wrong to have dreams, ambitions, goals and expectations? I am not usually a negative and a bitter person, but at this moment I just feel like it. I can't help it that after the down fall of my U.S. Masteral plans and then followed by my Cabin Crew applications, I feel that it is unfair. I haven't even yet totally recovered from the hurt that I felt for the former and now there is a new wound. Now I am asking, Is there something wrong with me? How come other's are just plain so lucky that opportunities come knocking on their doors without them working so hard for it while I am seriously struggling to chase my own. I am not a bad person at all. Am I not deserving? How much money, time & effort should I still waste? How long will I endure on this? I have always been a good student, daughter, sister, employee and citizen of this country. Of course I commit mistakes but they are not something that has affected other people's lives. I have always been on the safe zone. I have never been delinquent & promiscuous. I embrace life seriously and tried to live up to the moral standards in our society. Sometimes, I think what if I break the rules and just for one certain moment I will make a mess with life. Just for a change. I do not know if I could ever do this as I have always been this straight. At some point, I envy those individuals who have the courage to made a total wreck with their lives and existed care-free.

I know I should be thankful because I have been blessed with my education & my previous employment that made me to earn a living that has provided me above-decent food, shelter, clothing, etc. Yes I acknowledge that. I know that what I have was much better as compared to others. Of course I have enjoyed on them because I always see the positive side of it. But when I ponder if it is something I really want and dream to have and would make me happy, it turns out that is not. I just have it because I have no choice at that moment, it was the most practical opportunity being presented and offerred so I have to take it. If given a chance to choose, of course I will definitely go for the one I am hoping to have.