I AM SORRY...

I am sorry "my online diary" for neglecting you for quite some time. Although I have not updated you, but it doesn't mean that I have totally forgotten about you. I have been thinking of posting many happenings for the previous days & weeks but I do not have the luxury of time. I have been very busy with lots of things and that my thoughts are everywhere. I promise to update you as soon as possible in the coming days. Do not worry for I still trust you my secrets, desires and wishes. See you again!

TO FLY OR TO SAIL UPDATES

STAR CRUISES

July 4, 2010- Still no news up to this very date. We were supposed to expect it last June 28. I've asked some applicants also if they have information already, they also have no idea.So, I am not the only one who is clueless. Still in waiting mode. :))

AIR PHILIPPINES

Same case with Star Cruises. After our Screening & Impact Interview, still no news as to when the Second Step (HR Exam & final Interview)will be. I think this is their trend because a friend of mine have applied with them before and it was more than month of waitng before they were called for the next step.

ROYAL BRUNEI AIRLINES

July 1, 2010- After my submission from RBA a couple of days ago, I received a text message to report to their office for screening & initial interview. A representative from their MAnila Office came to screened the applicants. My schedule was 9 a.m. but the agent's flight got delayed and she arrived 12 noon. Just imagine the long hours of waiting that I have to endure.
During my turn, my height measured only 5"3 1/2 and I weigh 52 kgs. I was shorter by half inch with their required height and heavier by 1 kilo. :((. However, what concerned the interviewer the most was age because I will be turning 27 this September. To cut the story short, she told me that she will be endorsing my application to their head for approval and if it will be considered since it will still be on September that I'll be 27. Her last words were inspiring to me because she said that she really hope that I'll get the approval and that my age will be considered and she really hope to see me in the final interview to be done by RBA representatives within the month of July. I have this positive feeling that the interviewer liked me maybe because I have answered her questions very well and I came prepared. I just hope & pray that I get the consideration and be able to join the final interview. My feeling for this application is like "I'm floating in the air". Nothing clear yet until I get the notification for the next stage of the screening. Still, I'll invest my positive thoughts for this one.

TO FLY OR TO SAIL?

The past weeks have been very busy for me--- graduate studies, series of job applications, exams and interviews for some of them. I applied for jobs related to my experience in the field of Human Resources and also for other vacancies that hold no relevance with my professional background. It is with this “no relevance” jobs that I am so interested. They are as follows and my status on each of them:

1. Air Philippines

I’ve learned through joanne (jocamet@blogspot.com) that Airphils is hiring both in Manila & Cebu. Last June 8, I submitted my CV together with Anne, a fellow FA aspirant, at their Mactan office.

June 9- was our scheduled impact interview @ 9 a.m. There were 11 applicants and only 4 of us were successful on that stage (2 boys & 2 girls). Anne and I felt blessed on that day although there’s no assurance yet for us to be hired. At least we made it to the first step. We were just told by their Head that we still have to wait for future advice as to when our HR exam and final interview be. To this date, no advise yet. We just have to stretch our patience.

2. Star Cruises

May 30- It is with Kai (myfadreamstory@blogspot.com) that I came to know about the cruise ship hiring. I bought a Sunstar copy myself to see the ads personally. Kai & I agreed to apply the following day.

May 31- I went to Magsaysay Shipping, the agency handling the hiring, in the morning. Kai decided to have hers on the afternoon. As a walk-in applicant, I was immediately entertained and was told to take the exam together with the others. After passing the exam & interview, I have to wait for 2 weeks for the orientation schedule and final interview with the employer.

June 17- we received information on this day to report to Magsaysay by 4 p.m. for the orientation. We had a briefing with their HR-Officer regarding the requirements/documents that we have to comply for the final interview such as NBI for sea woman, passport pic & whole body pic with white background, etc… We are to submit everything by June 21 and the final interview is set on June 23.

June 18- I allocated the whole day for the processing of my documents and was able to accomplish them on the same day.

June 19- We were told to be at the Magsaysay office for the mock interview

June 21- I went to Magsaysay office and submitted my documents. After checking, I was told to come at 8 a.m. on June 23, 2010.

June 23- The day came and I was nervous. Two representatives of Star Cruises came and both are Filipina. I believed I screwed up my chance on this day. I just knew it. I got intimidated with the interviewer and nervousness hits me. I wasn’t able to think clearly then. Now, I am not confident with the status of my application. I hope that everything would be alright. Result would come out not later than June 28, 2010. I’ll have to keep my faith on this…

3. Royal Brunei Airlines

June 17- I’ve learned through fellow pexer Tanduri that RBA under Pert Agency will be hiring cabin crews here in Cebu. Fellow FA aspirants Anne, Kai & I decided to grab the opportunity.

June 23- I was planning that after my Cruise ship interview I will proceed immediately to PERT to submit my application. It turns out that my two newly-found friends and fellow cruise ship applicants, Melody & Loren have the same plan as mine. Melody told me to wait for her as she’s not yet done with the interview. It’s around 11 a.m. and the sun is so hot outside. Thank God, Melody had a car. We went to the agency in our full business attire and make-up. The agency staff must have thought that we were so serious with our applications that even if they only required coming in casual attire, we were in our business costumes. Hehehe. The lady even asked me if we all worked in the same company. After the submission, we decided to visit Sto. Nino church and had lunch at La Fortuna. Melody & I exchange numbers and to keep in touch for updates. We also agreed to apply together for QR OD this July if we don’t get to be successful with StarCruises. So my status on this is still waiting for advice for pre-screening & interview.


My greatest dream job really is to become a Cabin Crew for international Airlines. I have applied several times already for QR (5), EK (2), & Oman (1) but all of them were unsuccessful. I know I am not alone on this. However, I am entertaining the option to land a job in the Cruise ship industry as this would still allow me to travel abroad for free and meet people from all walks of life and the salary and benefits is not that bad anyway. I am thinking also that if ever I work in a cruise ship, I may have the chance to apply in OD’s abroad and still pursue my dream for flying. I hope that everything will be be put into place.

LOOKING FORWARD

I've learned from read2lead (myfadreamstory.blogspot.com)this morning that Qatar Airways will have an Open Day this July. For the 5th time, I'm joining and looking forward in making my cabin crew dream into a reality. I do not care if it's gonna be my 5th, 6th, and so on....Ifever I will not get the golden text/call, which I kinda been immune to it already, I will still try and try until my age expires! hehehe. I will never say NO to the opportunity even if I will get hurt several times. As the Cebuano saying goes, " Ang mag-antos, masantos!". Hehehe. The big question is, when? Only God knows the answer. Probably & hopefully on my 5th try! Let's wait and see when the day comes. I am so looking forward to meet fellow FA aspirants and develop friendship with them. It's the best thing that happened during OD's.

UNFORGETTABLE MAY

Of all months in a year, MAY is the memorable one. This month marked an unforgettable moment in my life more than my birthmonth, September. Unforgettable because it was on MAy 2009 that I was first hospitalized for a major operation, cyst removal. One year had passed already and the scar is still evident in my tummy. I see and feel it everyday. I could see how my navel was affected with it. The doctor had to made me a new navel, I call it my "man-made navel". My scar is quite long as compared with others. I could still remember how great was my fear that time. I was uncontrollably shaking all over. I have always thought of myself as a brave person, yet I was so afraid at that time. Hopefully, it would be my first and last operation. I hate scars!! While thinking of my experience, maybe this is the reason why GOD didn't grant my cabin crew wish yet. Maybe HE still want my operation to heal completely so that I will be so fit for the job eventhough I have recovered so fast. Now that it's one-year and with no complications, I do hope that I'd become a cabin crew soon.

DONE WITH PACKING

At last I'm done with packing! It seemed an endless task to do. I'm glad I'm done with it and hopefully I'm not forgetting anything. I've packed a lot of things because I am now relocating to Cebu for good. I'll be taking my masteral program in Industrial/Organizational Psychology. This program is absolutely in line with my Bachelor's degree and related with my work experience in the field of Human Resources. This is an option and a decision made after my failed applications with Qatar Airways & Emirates. I just cannot wait and put my life on stationary anymore just for my cabin crew application. I have been idle, dissapointed and frustrated with my left-&-right failures for several months. It's time for me to move forward. After all, I am the master of my fate & the captain of my soul.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

WHAT WOULD YOU DO if you like someone till the end but he likes your friend?

WHAT WOULD YOU DO if he tells you she’s always in his heart?

WHAT WOULD YOU DO if he says she’s always in his dreams?

WHAT WOULD YOU DO if she’s always in his mind night and day?

WHAT WOULD YOU DO if he tells you he’s hurting if she’s with another?

TO LIGHTEN IT ALL AND LESSEN YOUR HEART’S GREAT FALL,

WHAT WOULD YOU DO if this friend turns out to be you!!

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

It would take a thousand workers to build a castle, a million soldiers to protect it's country, but it only takes one WOMAN to build a happy home. Happy Mother's Day to my Mama!

Who do you think you are!?...A hate that is more dangerous than love...

Just who do you think you are? You think you are so high & mighty already? You think you can have everything? You think you are so righteous already? Well, have you forgotten your past, your dirty dirty past!? You think you can cover it up with wealth & fame? Are you having amnesia, a fugue!? Can’t you remember anymore where you came from? Who you were before? Have you been blinded already of the material things surrounding you? Have you been deceived of the praises & admiration that other people are throwing at you? You think they are all sincere with that? How well do you know them and how well do they know you? You are such a superficial individual. You have become a beast. You have so much pride in your veins. Your material possessions have made you a lesser person. You have been so proud of your status that you think you are part of the elite society---brushing elbows with politicians, cheek-to-cheek with the high class people. For all they know, you are just a social climber to them. They will never look at you on the same level as them. They can smell even at a distant that you are not one of them. You will always appear inferior to them. You can’t buy class and breeding. So do not be conceited and assuming! Where were these so-called “now friends” of yours when grandfather and the whole family were so financially down? Where were they when grandmother died? Where were they when the whole family has been left with nothing? Where were they when you were at the most shameful moment of your life? They all turned their backs at us. They never cared. They have all forgotten that we exist. Now you are so proud of yourself for having to associate with these kinds of people and for being close to them. It is just now that they have given you attention when you already have the means because of getting yourself a very wealthy man. You think questions and gossips will not form at the back of their heads? Much worst, you listened to them than your own family. You have been so full of yourself already that you are trying to involve with politics and financially supporting some politician’s candidacy. That will not make you an honourable person. Now that you have the wealth, you are now after of power and fame. You could have been running for a mayoralty position this election if only you didn’t have your throat operation. That has been a hindrance to your plan. So now, you just opted to support someone thinking that this would be your stepping stone. You have been such a fool for listening & believing advises of these people for you to enter politics. They are just using you. The next election after 2010 would still be far but now you are already formulating plans of your future candidacy. You have organized your own foundation supporting education of poor students. That is a very good deed but your motive is not pure. People will question your motives because they know that you are not even generous and willing to help your own members of the family who were in financial difficulties. Isn’t that charity begins at home? You do just not enter politics just for your own gratification. Why don’t you try to evaluate yourself? You do not have what it takes to become a public servant. Try to enter politics and your stinking odour will be made known to people. You have favoured other people that your own family. I just wish that it will never be too late for you.
Please do not try to text or call me anymore while I still have the patience to hold my emotions. As there is still a little respect that remains in my heart for you, I’d rather not answer the phone for you. I’d rather ignore you totally as I might not able to control my temper. I just hate you so much—a hate that is more dangerous than love. I am having some difficulty on how to make a good end to this blog. I have been revising this for several days so that it won’t appear so brutal on you. You still have to be thankful for my self-restriction on this blog and for writing it privately instead of personally slapping the words into your face----- words that would surely destroy and break your spirit.

SHORT HAIR

Yes! I am now back with my short hair--as in very short. I've decided right after the QR OD to cut my hair and be back to its original shape. I have always lived in a very short hair since childhood and have the same style of haircut until I grew up. I always liked it short that I could no longer grasp and tie it. It became a habit or obsession already. Last year I decided to put an end of the said habit because of my FA plans. Long hair would look more feminine, attractive and easier to style. Growing it long was a great sacrifice on my part. Now, I am thankful that I no longer will endure taking care of my long hair. I am happy to be back again to the original and back to reality. My "new yet old" hair cut signifies moving on to a new chapter of my life, taking careful steps, building new hopes and dreams and keeping the faith for the old ones.

4th QR OD

For the 4th time I didn’t get the call from the recruiter but, I wasn’t hurt at all. I wonder why? Is it because I got used of being rejected? Have I developed immunity to the situation already? I think it is more of acceptance and embracing the situation whole-heartedly that saved me from the pain. Yes, I have wished but I did not expect that much. I have learned my lessons well enough in the past that I have prepared my emotions several days before joining. I will no longer allow myself to wallow in tears. I had enough!

JUST BETWEEN GOD & ME

I will be going to Cebu this 17th April 2010 without the knowledge of my parents about my real purpose. This is my first time not to tell them the truth behind my travel and my plans. Everytime I travel I always informed them. All they know is that I'm going there to meet up with my mother & her fellow delegates arriving from Bacolod City, and that I will be going with them by Monday to Simala. Of course, I really want to go to Simala but If I am to attend the QR AD on the 19th that would mean to move my visiting date for Simala.

This time I opted not to tell them anymore that I'm giving another try for my cabin crew application. I know that this is just synonymous to lying. I hope God will understand. Much that I wanted to tell them but I do not want them to get worried anymore and get hurt everytime I fail. Ifever I'll fail it'll be just between me & GOD. Only God knows about my plan and hopefully HE will grant me success this time around.

My parents may not have disclosed their worries & frustrations but I know what they are feeling deep inside. When we went to church yesterday early morning, I know my mother cried a bit & was just holding back her emotions while praying. Many times I have glimpsed my mother crying while praying for me. They have always prayed that I will get what I am dreaming to have and that is to become a cabin crew. My father is worried because he can see that I have been jobless for months already and that all my FA attempts were unsuccessful. My father always wanted to see me successful and not just staying at home doing some chores. He can feel that I no longer have the enthusiasm to work for another job if it is not of a Cabin Crew.

To my mama & papa, I am sorry for all these. I am sorry if I can't tell you the truth this time. I promise to give my best and GOD will do the rest. I will not fail you but will make you proud as you have always been no matter what.

With all humility....I ask & pray...

Lord,

As I kneel down & submit myself unto you, I thank you for the new opportunity that you have again opened for me inorder to fulfill my dream to become a cabin crew.

As I participate again this April 18, 2010 for the Qatar Airways Open Day at Marriot Hotel Cebu:

I ask & pray to have the needed confidence, courage & wisdom as I submit my CV to the QR Recruiter.

I ask & pray that I will present myself positively to the recruiter and he/she will be impressed as to how I answer the questions & carry the conversation. Without any doubt, the recruiter will shortlist my application and will invite me to join the Assessment Day on 19th of April 2010.

I ask & pray that on the Assessment Day, I will carry the same positive aura that will manifests throughout the day. I will pass the physical screening & the written exam, I will actively participate in the group dynamics & discussions. I will understand the instructions & present my ideas clearly and will have an excellent relationship with my groupmates. I will feel relaxed, comfortable, mindful & happy while going through with the AD activities. The recruiters will notice me & approve of my attitude. When the judgment comes, I will pass all the stages of the recruitment and will be advised to come back for the FINAL INTERVIEW on the 20th of April 2010 of the same venue.

I ask and pray that as I face this greatest challenge in pursuit of my destiny, I will have your strength to conquer my fears, doubts & worries but will remain humble at heart. As I face my final interviewers, I will greet and smile to them with utmost sincerity and they in return will treat me warmly and make me feel at ease. The interview will appear to be like any casual conversations and I will be able to provide them beyond satisfactory answers. I will always be truthful with my words and actions. They will see within my heart & through my eyes as to how great be my desire to become a cabin crew. They will see in me the good qualities to be part of Qatar Airways. With much certainty, they will consider me deserving for the job and will recommend me for employment.

“I thank you Lord for giving me this once in a lifetime opportunity. I thank you for fulfilling my heart’s desire. I thank you for staying beside me all the time most especially on the very crucial moment of my life. It was your Holy Spirit who spoke and answered for me.”

I ask & pray that as I comply my pre-employment requirements, everything will be smooth sailing. I will be able to provide the necessary documents & my health will allow me fit for the job. I will complete them as early as possible and will be able to fly for training to Doha on the set date by the Qatar Recruitment Team.

I ask & pray that I fly safely to Doha. I will be able to finish my training with flying colors. I will then be given my roster right after my training. As I live the life of a cabin crew, I will be able to adjust to the demands & pressure of my work. I will give my very best, my full dedication for the job. I will be passionate in everything that I do. I will take inspiration & pleasure from my job and not to get home sick. I will stay healthy so that I can continually be of service to people.

I ask & pray that as my job will bring out many changes in my life, my love for YOU, my family, friends, relatives and to my country will remain the same. If ever I will change, it will be in accordance with your words. I will continue to share your blessings & be of inspiration to other people.

I ask & pray that may your HOLY SPIRIT guide and protect me always wherever I go.

Lord Jesus I ask for you to bless me the success of my Qatar Airways Cabin Crew application on the18th of April 2010. I believe in your kindness and power for nothing is impossible with you. I shall receive my cabin crew job for I know in my heart that now is the perfect time that you have prepared for me.

I Asked, Believed & will Received my Cabin Crew employment upon your Holy Grace. Amen.

DEAR RAIMUND,

Thank you for the support & encouragement that you have shown for my FA applications eventhough you have clearly expressed your disapproval of the said profession for me. I truly understand your reasons. You have always been a sensible person.

My decision to pursue a career that is totally different my professional experience & university degree may have surprised and confused you. Maybe because you have always thought of me as someone who knows what she wants since from the start. When I first mentioned it, you thought I was just joking and you didn't took me seriously for that. When you realized how determined I am, you're exact words were: "Why do you want to become a cabin crew? Don't you know that cabin crews are just waitresses on the air.", " You are over-qualified for that job", "You should make good use of your abilities than just being an FA". I was hurt with that and I strongly argued and defended my future job. Knowing your professional & educational standards, perhaps it was just a natural reaction . Sensing how serious I am for the job, you then said " You are old enough to decide for your self and that even your father cannot stop you from doing it. I am not your father and I am just giving my opinion and you are free to follow it or not". As I proceeded with my goal and was unsuccessful after several attempts, still you have comforted, cared, listened and inspired me even if you are not in favor of the idea. When I explained how tough the recruitment process, you have compared it to an "American Idol Audition".

I have been a constant failure on this goal, but you never added more insult to my injury. You have expressed your support, encouragement and sympathy. You always have high regards for me and have constantly believed in my ability more than I believe myself. I am deeply thankful for having you around and for always putting your faith in me.


Always,


Ruth Ana

"A MESSAGE FOR CHARLIE"

I've heard that you have taken one of the bravest decision in your life and that is to leave for Singapore a month from now to continue a career of your choice. I admire your courage and your clear-headedness. I understand how difficult it is for you to let go of your FA dream at this point. The decision may somehow saddened you but life must go on and that there's still a long journey ahead. Letting go of the said "dream" doesn't necessarily mean totally giving up and forgetting about it but just putting it on hold for a while. The desire will always be there and every beating of your heart will constantly remind you of it.

As you take your new journey, I pray for your guidance and safety. Wherever you go, may you always see the sunny side of life and your beautiful smile will continue to brigthen up the day. May this new path leads you to the fulfillment of your dreams and to a lifetime of happiness.


All the bests,

Ruth

DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU'RE GOING TO?

This song would exactly describe my present state of mind.....


1 - Do you know where you're going to?
Do you like the things that life's been showing you
Where are you going to?
Do you know?

2 - Do you get what you're hoping for?
When you look behind you there's no open doors
What are you hoping for?
Do you know?

Once we were standing still in time
Chasing the fantasies
That filled our minds
You knew how I loved you
But my spirit was free
Laughing at the questions
That you once asked of me

Repeat 1

Now looking back at all we've planned
We let so many dreams
Just slip through our hands
Why must we wait so long?
Before we see
How sad the answers
To those questions can be

Repeat 1
Repeat 2

Do you know?

IPINANGANAK NA MAHIRAP.....NAKALIGO KA NA BA SA DAGAT NG BASURA?

These are the first few lines in Manny Villar's campaign jingle. I am not a Villar voter but I am always pleased everytime I hear them played on TV & radio. Since the start of its airing, it seemed to have taken part of my everyday life. I always recite these lines with a smile when I am doing my household chores and even to the point of closing my eyes, the song keeps echoing back in my head. This has become my most favorite song & tv commercial. As I evaluate my fondness, I realized that the main reason behind my addiction is because the little girl reciting these two lines will always remind me of my self. She exactly resembled my childhood looks---skin, hair, clothing, smile, eyes & everything else. Our difference was that I did not or haven't lived in squatter areas. I grew up in a comfortable home with housemaid and that my parents can provide everything that I need. Even with that, I still look like a "batang yagit" or "batang bulingit". As a child, I just can't learned to maintain on how to look neat unlike with my older sister. Wherever I go and whatever I do, dirt/mud/dust have been my constant companion. No matter how my mother tried, I always look untidy even when the day had just started. Up to now, I still consider myself "batang-yagit & bulingit" and I like it that way. However, I already learned on how to present my self as neatly as possible because that's how FA's are expected to be.

CLASS PROPHECY Y2K

When I was in High School, my classmate Lynn Antoinette made a class prophecy for our graduating section. All the best things that a graduating student would like to hear were all writen in there----a promise of a bright future waiting forus. We see visions of ourselves as successful individuals and professonals.

I could still recall that I was expected to land a great career in a reputable airline company as an International Flight Attendant. I really have no idea as to why Lynn have imagined me that way. At that time, I wasn't really thinking to undertake a career in an airline industry. I just do not know as to where it came from because it never even crossed my mind. Although Lynn is my classmate but we were never close, we have different set of friends and we seldom talk to each other. She must have seen something especial that would deserve me for the job. She could have chosen our "crush ng campus" & beauty queen classmate but she had me for it. I was delighted of the idea but I was also ashamed & conscious because of the reactions of others. I never considered myself a stunner and gorgeous. I am just an average looking, plain & simple student. I would have perfectly fit for a pre-school teacher description. Anyway, it was just a prophecy and at least I can be glamorous even on that. Years passed and I graduated from college and landed my fist job in a telephone company as a project-hired employee. It was then that I saw an advertisement for Emirates in the newspaper. I checked it and applied online (2005). In less than 3 months, I received an invitation from IPAMS to be at the Malate office for the "dry-run" sked and on the second day for the screening schedule. I have no idea then that IPAMS is the agency handling the recruitment. Most of all when I joined in the Quezon City, I am totally clueless on the process and what to expect. It was my first unsuccessful attempt. When I applied for the job, it was just in a spur-of-the-moment. I wasn't even reminded of the prophecy. No follow-up applications afterwards. I have totally fogotten about it. It was only on year-end part of 2009 that the idea sinked in and that I was reminded by what my classmate Lynn expected me to become. Now, I am trying my best to make my prophecy become a reality. This will surely serve as my motivating factor. Not so long from now, I will get the job and prove to Lynn that she wasn't wrong at all. Someday, I would personally thank Lynn for believing and seeing something exceptional in me.

WHAT I TRULY FEEL....

I have always been the kind of person who acknowledges one's feelings. I always take time to evaluate my emotions because it makes me feel comfortable and more human. I don't consider myself "emotional", I am just being honest.

I am writing this entry with the goal to express & release the pain of frustration that has been building up inside my soul. I know that there are many FA aspirants out there who has more worst experience than I do. Perhaps, I am still a novice as compared to others but still allow me to dwell on this.

I have never been this frustrated in my whole life after consecutive failures/downfall within a year of the two opportunities that i've been wanting to have. I have already tried to move on after my unsuccessful attempt to spend my master's degree in Boston for Clinical Mental Health & Counseling Psychology. If only everything just went well, I am now in Boston burning my midnight candles. However, inevitable things happen--- the university can only offer me partial scholarship since I am not a U.S. citizen and that a recommended funding institution (bank) will be the one sponsoring my educational expenses. It would still have been ok if not for the global economic crisis that the bank refused/declined to grant the sponsorship. It hurt me so much because I gave my best to be accepted for that degree program, I passed every required tests (TOEFL, GRE),every required evaluation, every required interview, I invested time, money and effort. Everything has gone out of control. Thus, I started moving on especially that 2010 is coming. A new year, a new hope. When I loss my job last october 2009 due to company retrenchment, I was not disturbed at all as compared to my co-workers because I am planning to resign anyway. After being out of work & unsuccessful with my study- abroad plans, I ponder as to what I really want to do and to where do I see myself going. The plan of pursuing my once desired flight attendant job came back to life. I onced applied for Emirates in Manila year 2005, a fresh grad from university. Their process then was different when I was advised to joined in their Quezon City office as compared today . I forgot such dream as years go by, i loss my focus. Maybe if I have been as persistent as the others, I could have landed the job already. I just resumed my cabin crew applications on Oct. 18, 2009 when I applied for Qatar Aiways at Marriot Hotel. Then it was followed by another unsuccessful applications by November in Manila for QR & EK. January came and still no positive results in another QR Cebu OD. I was tempted to fly to Manila by February for Asiana & QR again but didn't push through with the plan. Instead I attended the EK screening in Cebu last 4th of March. I was really hoping to get an invitation this time and for my prayer to be answered. I was thinking that this is what already God planned for me in exchange of all the heartaches that I felt for my failed study plans. I was so confident of the idea and I can feel it in my veins when I saw signs favoring in me. I really thought they were the right signs. I was totally wrong. I just misunderstood them. So, another painful blow on my part. I just didn't think too much on the financial sacrifices that I made because it will only worsen the situation.

These are the two opportunities that have mattered to me so dearly. I have never wanted something or anything for myself this intense. They are the two that I could have wanted to fulfill, either one or the other. I just do not know what lesson/s I should learn from this. Is it telling me that this is not meant for me or maybe it is not yet the right time? I just do not know and understand. I feel that fate have punished me because things are not going as what I am expecting and hoping. How come I am punished? for what? I haven't done anything wrong. Is it wrong to have dreams, ambitions, goals and expectations? I am not usually a negative and a bitter person, but at this moment I just feel like it. I can't help it that after the down fall of my U.S. Masteral plans and then followed by my Cabin Crew applications, I feel that it is unfair. I haven't even yet totally recovered from the hurt that I felt for the former and now there is a new wound. Now I am asking, Is there something wrong with me? How come other's are just plain so lucky that opportunities come knocking on their doors without them working so hard for it while I am seriously struggling to chase my own. I am not a bad person at all. Am I not deserving? How much money, time & effort should I still waste? How long will I endure on this? I have always been a good student, daughter, sister, employee and citizen of this country. Of course I commit mistakes but they are not something that has affected other people's lives. I have always been on the safe zone. I have never been delinquent & promiscuous. I embrace life seriously and tried to live up to the moral standards in our society. Sometimes, I think what if I break the rules and just for one certain moment I will make a mess with life. Just for a change. I do not know if I could ever do this as I have always been this straight. At some point, I envy those individuals who have the courage to made a total wreck with their lives and existed care-free.

I know I should be thankful because I have been blessed with my education & my previous employment that made me to earn a living that has provided me above-decent food, shelter, clothing, etc. Yes I acknowledge that. I know that what I have was much better as compared to others. Of course I have enjoyed on them because I always see the positive side of it. But when I ponder if it is something I really want and dream to have and would make me happy, it turns out that is not. I just have it because I have no choice at that moment, it was the most practical opportunity being presented and offerred so I have to take it. If given a chance to choose, of course I will definitely go for the one I am hoping to have.

BROKEN VOW

This is my very first time to create an online diary but I have been writing a personal journal way back in college. Although I have been constantly following other people's blogs for months but it never take shape in my mind to have my own. Signing-up an account here is not part of my original plan. Eventhough the idea have crossed my mind but I felt that the proper time has yet to come. I remember blogger littlemissdreamer007 asking me for my blogsite for her to follow. I told her that I promised myself to only create a blog once I have fulfilled my FA dream. But now, I am breaking my promise and betraying my vow.

I am hoping that this would be a great venue to express my sentiments and innermost thoughts, may it be positive or negative. Through this, I might be able to break the negative spell or curse that has been keeping me away from my dream.